The Diary of Kuya Pardz

Parting...

2006-12-12T04:00:00.000-08:00

Parting

By: Joseph Pardo

I said,

Leave him now before it’s too late

You hesitate a moment you wanted to wait

But I pushed you on and force you to decide

I said,

“Look you don’t have to be so kind.”

You said,

“But I don’t love him anymore.”

So I begged you to leave him alone

Finally you agreed

And we put the phone down

I was happy for you

At last you were free

But I cried

Cause I know that him…

Was ME…

To be or not to be...that is the question?

2006-12-08T04:01:00.000-08:00

To be or not to be…that is the question?

For the past couple of weeks I can’t help but notice that the title of this entry is the question on the minds of the people close to me and it also happens that this also the question that is on my mind as well. Personally, I am being faced with the daunting task of facing my past and learning how to deal with it and letting it go. As anyone of you know this isn’t easy to do and one has to be prepared for anything that might happen. Being able to face the truth about yourself and maybe of other and realizing that there are just some things you can’t control and move on. There’s a lot from my past that I haven’t dealt with and now I will have to make choices that I have put off for some time.

Coming to grips with it isn’t easy for me or for anyone simply because we are scared of what we might find or realize about ourselves. Most of the time we just push it aside and focus on other things or we go through denial, sublimation, sour-grapping and other forms of defense mechanisms that “make” us cope with life and I am guilty of that. I’ve tried not to deal with it and frankly it gets tiring after a while. You realize that most of your energies have been going to something else rather than important aspects of your life.

My best friend made me realize that no matter what it has to be me that makes my own happiness and my own life. A lesson that I seem to have forgot over the past couple of months. Life is what I make of it and if I spend so much time just pretending then I won’t be able to do the things that I need to do. I won’t be able to make my dreams come true. I was walking home Saturday night and I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the night sky was. The moon was out, not a cloud in the sky, there’s a chill in the air and it made me realize that if I wanted to be happy again then I have to do it on my own. That night I decided to make something more of my life and live it to the fullest. I need to make a change and in order to do that I need to come to terms with my past and with my life. I won’t be easy and I know that I’ll fall along the way but someday things will be ok and I will be ok.

I would like to end this with the song that lifts me up entitled “Someday” by Nina:

“Someday…someone’s gonna love me…

The way…I wanted you to need me…

Someday…someone’s gonna take your place…

One day…I’ll forget about you…

You’ll see…I won’t even miss you…

Soemday…someday…”

THE WIND THAT BLEW MY HEART AWAY

2006-10-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

"No, it’s not that. It’s just,…It’s easier in the dark…But pretty soon, the lights are gonna come back on and…we’ll go back to being who we really are. Right? I mean, kissing might be… I don’t know, whatever, to you… but to me, it’ll mean something. And I’ll wake up tomorrow, wanting to do it again… and again, and… pretty much all the time. Somehow, I don’t think you’ll feel the same. On the day that changes,on the day you wake up and have to call me;then I’ll kiss you." - Mouth One Tree Hill

It's true isn't it? Its easier to to have some parts of our lives in the dark...makes it easier to deny that they're even there. In a way we all keep something in the dark don't we? To hide some part of ourselves that we feel no one would like to see...to hide soemthing that we feel no one will love. This is a sad truth that all of us face. We all wear masks...no one trully shows their true selves. We all try to hide behind something to make it seem that everything is ok;that we're alright We pretend to be ok when were not. We pretend not care because we got hurt We say never again when we fall even more. But it gets complicated; We get fed up; We give up. It's hard to keep pretending but we keep at it...why? Because we afraid of the consequences. Appearances are everything in this world and it sometimes makes me think if it's worth it? Are we all just hiding from something or someone? Are we afraid to get hurt or to be rescued?

Living the dream

2006-09-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been envious of other people who have been given oppertunities that you want to happen for yourself and you wonder how come it happened to them they don't even deserve it...I've been asking myself that for the past couple of weeks and my mind still ends up blank.

I've always believed that life is what we make of it. It is our choices that define the lives we lead. We shouldn't wait for oppertunities to come to us but rather we should make oppertunities happen for us but sometimes I can't help but ask myself how? How can I make things happen for myself?

I want to do a lot of things in my life...I want to be a great dancer, I want to make a movie, I want to go to Cannes, I want to be a gymnist and a like. I have so much in my mind that I want to do but then I don't know where to start. I don't know how in the world I can make all this happen. I know that I can make it happen. I have the talent, the dream, the determination but it seems that God has other plans for me. I've said this a million times and I still believe it until now...things happen for a reason and the Lord just has something better planned for me. I may not know what that plan might be but I have faith in him that everything is as it should be. I still get irritated whenever I hear or see people who do some of the things that I want to do but I just smile and say you're gonna see me do the same thing.

I will do everything that I want to do in life and you'll see that I would be living my dreams.

Alone

2006-09-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I wrote anything in my blogs (Lord knows I have a lot...hahaha!!! =p) but nevertheless I still take time out to write doen my thoughts and just get them off my chest. Anyway, for the past couple of weeks I've been thinking alot of how much time I find myself to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I have social skills, I'm friendly, outgoing, I have a sense of humor, I got out with friends, I have anawesome group of friends that are both from high school and college so Ican say that I'm not a loser...It's more of the feeling that you can be surrounded by a sea of people and friends but you still feel alone.
I have long learned the lesson that in life you only have yourself. No matter what it has to be you that you count on first to achieve whatever it is you want to reach in life. Sure, you have your family and friends to help you and give you love adn support but sometiems the challenges that youwill face must be faced alone. Family and friends can only do so much but in the end it is you who has to make the choice. I find more and more people who are so scared to stand on their own to feet that they still cling on to others. Personally, I hate the fact they're people who still act like this but that's just my opinion, nevertheless it is so hard to live life with people like this by your side.
Learn to stand alone. Iknow this is easier said than done but believe me you'd be a better person for it. Independence is something we strive for. We have the tools to do this all we need is the determination to do so. Please do not misunderstand what I'm trying to say...I didn't ask you to leave everything behind and be a hermit in the mountains...all I'm saying is that don't depend things, events, circumstances etc on other people. Learn to stand on your own to feet and never be afraid to be alone. In the stillness of the night is where you can hear your own thoughts.

August 18 experience

2006-08-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

Change...

Everything and everyone goes through it...

We don't notice it sometimes...

While some try so desperately to make it happen.

Others let things run there course...

Or some conspire to make things happen.

Some of us try to embrace it...

While others just turn a deaf's ear.

Change is the only permanent thing in this world some might say...

Some might say that it's a part of life...

But nevertheless it's not the act of changing that matters...

It's how we react and take it to heart.

Just recently I was given the oppertunity to get in touch with a part of me that I lost. You see I've been in dark place in my life for so long that I actually thought it was who I am. I thought that having all this bitterness and anger was the only thing I could hold on too. Thinking to myself that this is what life had in store for me. I had lost myself in the darkness but yesterday made realize that it wasn't the case. It was more of me just wanting to stay where I was simply because it was all I knew, but now I know I can get out of it.

It was my recollection yesterday and like any other recollection I pretty much expected the same old things. True enough it was kinda the same to the other recollections I've gone to but the difference was the people I got to spend it with. These were people who I only knew in my first term here in CSB. People who I just to chatting with because they were my seatmates or because we had common friends. I guess God just wanted me to get together with these people to make me realize the truth about myself. That I am a good person.

It was proven to me yet again that everything does happen for a reason. I was given a cahnce to get to know these people more and we got share about our experiences, belifs, values etc amd what I loved the most was the final activity wherein we got to talk about our negative traits and give positives ones. what moved me the most were the things that they were saying about me. It really moved me so much because in the short amount of time we've spent together I made a very big impact on their lives. What they don't know is that all the things that they said really got me in touch with myself and me realize that my life now isn't what it was back then. I've really grew up and somehow lost the things that were really who I am as a person.

To my groupmates namely: Iko, Lxa, Kel and Ramir I just want to thank you guys for making me see me for the first time in a long time. I don't know how I can ever repay you; just know that after being with you guys I can really consider you as my friends and know that no matter what I will always be here for you. You can count on me for anything and I will be there for you. Thank you guys so much!!! I love you all!!! *mwah*

sigh

2006-08-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

responsibility...

it SUCKS!!!

it never seems to go away when you get older...

nor does it get any easier.

i hate the fact that i have so much responsibility and the fact that i choose to also take them...it's just the kind of guy i am i guess. nevertheless, it sucks to just have it. the fact that alot is expected of you or the fact that i have to mature or the fact that i can't afford to act like a teenager when in fact i still am. it's just hard to do or be so much for so many people that sometimes i can't help but feel that im forgetting myself sometimes and i mean this for everything. school, family, friends, love life, social life and a like that sometimes i just find myself just crying myself to sleep or im indifferent to other people or just that i want to drop everything and runaway...but sadly i can't. i have so much going for me and things going on in my life that i can't really afford to do it. all i can really do is just suck it in and live life.

i know that you might be sick of me saying this and i know you might say why don't i just do it or find an alternative solution or just get over it coz im not the only person who's going through it...you maybe right but all im really trying to do is just get everything off my chest. this is the only medium i have for now to bring my inner most feelings out.

*deep sigh*

that's just how life is i guess...

i better just deal with it....

Im not missing you!!! =p

2006-07-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

To be honest...alot has happened in the past couple of days that made me look at life diffrently. I realized that there is so much beauty in this world and no matter what you're going through you'll get through it. I had finally let go of someone who MEANT alot to me and when it happened I had a unexpected reaction...I was happy. I've finally felt that a load was finally off my chest and it feels great. I'm happy...trully happy about everything in my life even though there are still hang-up's...I'm still very happy.

I found out about this song when I was listening to the radio and it really just struck a chord with me...since then it has been a theme song for me and it's dedicated to HER. Every lyric really expresses how I feel about our everything that happened to US and now I want you to know that I'm not missing you.

I'm Not Missing You
By: Stacie Orrico

Oh, Oh
I’m not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don’t know what I was missing or why I ain’t listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it’s over
What else could it be _____

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

CHORUS
(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you

It’s a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

Chorus x 2

No I can’t be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can’t keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it’s right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you

I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because (it's the best day of my life)
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you
I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you
I'm so over you
It ain't even a problem

What IS so hard with saying goodbye?!

2006-07-10T04:45:00.000-07:00

What IS so hard with saying goodbye?

Can anyone actually answer that for me?! Coz to be honest I don't have a freakn' clue. I mean we say it all the time...when we leave the house, when we leave our friends...it's not that hard to say it yet when it comes to relationships it's the hardest or one of the hardest words to say. I mean for the love of everything that's holy it's just a word. What makes it diffrent from saying it to our friends and parents huh?!

If you're wondering why I'm ranting it's simple...it's because until now I've not really gotten away from the web of the black widow. No matter what I do or how much I try I can't seem to get away from everything. Just when I think I'm finally getting away...I'm always pulled back in and it sucks!!!

Why does she keep me around?! I'm not her freakn' boyfriend yet she acts as if I am. I feel like I'm just being used...being kept around to fill a void in her life. All I want is to know where we stand and get everything out in the open but I know that if confront her she'll over-react. Though she may not admit it, she still acts like a child and makes very immature decisions. She won't understand how I feel and all I can do is sit back and pretend that everythings fine.

LOVE SUCKS AND LOVE'S OVERATED!!!

dunno what to do...

2006-07-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

for the past couple of days...people have been telling me that i look like i have a problem and that i should just let it out. i just smile and say that it's not true but to be honest there is something bothering me. in true pardz fashion i just deny it and pretend that everything's ok.

the truth is, it's better to just live in denial rather than face the truth. i've heard it all before and i was disappointed the last time. i just don't want to get my hopes up...but it looks like i already have and if it doesn't work out again i don't know what i'm gonna do. i was already given a sign that things may work out this time around but then if it does i have another problem. i have to make a choice...a choice whether to stick around or get a fresh new start. if you know me very well or if you've been reading some of my previous entries you'd know that i've been wanting a fresh start ever since i could remember and now that i may actually get it i don't know if i'm strong enough to take it. maybe this is what i need or maybe i'd finally find what i've been looking for. i can't think about it in "what if's" and "maybe's" thruth is i've got to make a choice whether i'd like the outcome or not.

2006-07-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

For some reason this song keeps on playing in my head...

Some Hearts
(Words and music by Diane Warren)

Sung by: Carrie Underwood

I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
But I guess

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,they just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me
You're the last thing my heart expected
Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this
Well I guess

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,they just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

Even hearts like mine
Get lucky, lucky sometimes

Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side, yes
Some hearts
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

damn! this is so cheezy...i can't believe that this gets stuck in my head.

Life is always full of little surprises...

2006-06-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

That was the realization that I came across for the past couple of weeks. Just when I thought that life sucked it gave me reason to be happy. True enough it gave me a lesson that no matter what happens in this world...what goes around comes around. Everything comes full circle and eventually it bites you in the ass. It's actually a great irony that I've come te realize.

But then again just as I was given a reason to be happy...others were given a hard lesson in life and as much as I want to help...I'm too happy seeing people, who were once on top of the world, beg and crawl right in front of me. I know that like what i said, this will eventually bite me in the ass coz evrything does come full circle but then again I'm still having fun seeing these people in pain. I know that I might come off as a bad guy and I must assure you that I'm not it's just that these people toyed with me and my feelings before so basically its my turn to toy with them.

Revenge is a dish best served cold as they say and that is true. I don't get mad with people...I get even and once I do I make sure that they're distroyed. People have told me that it wouldn't take away the pain or that it wouldn't be as rewarding once I do it but honestly for me...it makes up for everything. I'm good friend but a very bad enemy.

Anywhere but here...

2006-06-11T04:19:00.000-07:00

Did you ever get the feeling that you just want to be anywhere else rather than the place that you are now?

I have that...I just wanna be in a place where i can start over. I wanna be away from everything that's going on in my life right now and just relax. But life is not like that. We can only dream of it or even wish for it but it never comes true.

They say that life is what we make of it. If we don't like what happens in our lives we have only ourselves to blame. It's because of the choices we've made that lead us to where we are in our lives.

Life sucks in my opinion and even though I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason I don't see the reason why my life sucks right now. Just when I thought that my life was complicated enough as it is..."someone" had to jump in and make things even more complicated. It's crazy enough as it is..."someone" had to get into the mix and I hate it.

I actually closed that chapter of my life and I had closure with everything and yet I was still thrown a curveball that totally turned my world upside down. Now, I'm enemies with a person (which is something that i don't like) and I'm afraid that this might affect the friendships that I have with our common friends. Some of you might say that I shud just make up with the person and get it over with but it's more complicated that that. To appologise would mean 1.)that the fault lies with me (which is not the case) 2.)this is the second time she has done this to me and I'm not standing for it 3.)I'm trying to teach her a lesson and 4.)I'm simply trying to make her see the thruth. She made me look like an idiot simply for confronting her with what has been bothering me and what other people have been noticing when we're together. Now, tell me am I wrong?

She always seems to think that everything has to be about her...that she's the only one with problems yet when other people share their problems she's so quick to dismiss it. I mean for goodness sake the universe doesn't revolve around you so get over yourself. She tries to act like she's so mature but what she doesn't get is the fact that she isn't. She acts like a child and makes decisions like one and when it blows up in her face she comes crawling to me and then I have to make her see the truth. She doesn't even notice that fact that she is already hurt and disrespected some people and like me we've descided to wash our hands clean of her. She hasn't learned anything and it's frustrating to help someone who doesn't learn from their mistakes. It's over. I give up. It's about time that she learn it on her own.

Life never runs out of lessons to teach us...

Some learn it quickly...

Others take their time...

Some learn it the easy way...

Others learn it hard...

But in the end we still need to learn the lesson...

To not make the same mistake at all.

to my best friend...proud2bmorena

2006-05-11T00:53:00.000-07:00

Time and time again I've been reminded of how love can be both beautiful and painful...well that's a fact of life. When we love someone we must be ready to accept both the good and bad; happy or sad...this is the simple fact that my best friend embodies time after time. I am happy for her and her special someone who have gone through the trials of having a relationship. They keep showing me that it is never easy like life we have to stick it through everything and when we get through it we get more than what we ask for. I praise the both of them for sticking together through everything. It just proves to me that when you find the right person you wouldn't let go without a fight. They're relationship is what other people aspire to have but fail to reach. So, to the both of you I wish you nothing but the best and I know that the two of you were made for each other.

To end this entry...I would like to quote a very popular t.v. series "One Tree Hill"

"At this moment, there are six billion, four hundred seventy million, eight hundred eighteen thousand, six hundred seventy one people in the world.

Some… are running scared.

Some… are coming home.

Some tell lies to make it through the day.

Others are just not facing the truth.

Some are evil men, at war with good.

And some are good, struggling with evil.

Six billion people in the world...

... Six billion souls.

And sometimes…

… All you need is one."

-Peyton (episode 1 season 3)

the sad fact of life...

2006-04-06T00:23:00.000-07:00

i fell in love with this poem when i read it.

it really says everything that im feeling right now...

it basically says that life is lonely.
in pain, in defeat, in times of trouble you are on your own - alone.
in times of success, joy and victory many will come and celebrate with you.
that is the sad fact portrayed by the poem.
if you weep you weep alone, if you laugh the whole world laughs with you.

Solitude
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

LAUGH, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of it's own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Life is indeed not without complications...

2006-02-09T00:36:00.000-08:00

Life is indeed not without complications...

Someone once said to me "Life is not without complications..." and true enough this was proven to me yet again. Just when your life goes on smoothly...BANG!!! Life hits you with a few curveballs and your back to where you started.

My life, for example, got strtuck with a major curveball. Before 2005 ended things were great. My life made sense and things were going smoothly yet now things have taken a hudge turn. I find myself in between a crossroad in my life. To take one would mean my return to a life that I thought was over and to take the other would mean a future that is very uncertain. But as always the future is very uncertain for everyone. We can never know how the choices we make affect our lives until we make them and even then we have to stand by the choices we've made no matter what the outcome. As much as we want to make the right choice or make a change for the better...life doesn't seem to make any better for us. But that is life. It has to have complications. It has to be hard. It has to be all the things we complain about simply because without it we would not be the people that we are now. Life is a never ending lesson. It always teaches us something about ourselves and other people. I believe that what experience in life is what shapes us as individuals and if not for the hardships that we face everyday we wouldn't be who we are now. Faith in ourselves and faith in HIM is what gets us through the day and no matter what the outcome of our choices may be it what shapes us to be the people we are.

Life is indeed not without complications but it is worth it to become the people we are.

2006-01-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

an eventful 19th birthday celebration...

it's the 21st of January and i'm only able to update my blog now...and believe me alot has happened during that week. actually, the whole year started off exciting for me. i was asked to choreograph a cheerdance routine for the high school sophomores of my alma mater. i was actually caught off guard coz i never expected it nonetheless i accepted the offer. so, i had a hudge undertaking in front of me...i have to make a routine with stunts and lifts in a span of two and a half weeks. it called for alot of creativity on my part and alot of hardwork nonetheless i was able to create a routine. we had the cheerdance competion las friday and won 3rd place which was good enough for me and my squad but what really touched me was the validation that my fellow batchmates gave me. it really meant alot to me.

my 19th birthday actually started off like any other normal day but what surprised me was the fact that alot of people greeted me. even people that i wasn't that close to greeted me. this birthday was actually one of the best of my life. i've been trully been blessed and it made me realize that i must have done something good in my life for the Lord to bless me with so much. i feel that im sometimes not worthy especially at the fact that i'm not exactly a model Catholic but it's blessings like this that make me realize and make me reaffirm my faith in Him. He trully gives you what you deserve and no matter what you've done in life He still makes you feel loved and all He asks is very little. i feel so sad that i can't even do that but i'm trying to do my best.

there's alot that i asked for this year but i guess what stood out is the wish that i fall in love again. after with what happened the last time (which i can trully say that i've moved on) im still apprehensive to fall. i must admit that i'm having new prospects but im not counting on them. if they are meant for me it will come. i consulted my favorite book about this and it said that im wishing and that i shouldn't think of anyone specific. i should believe that it will come and that it is meant for me so for now im just happy with my life and how things are going. i still have alot of things to do but i know that i'll get through them.

In my life...

2005-12-16T23:24:00.000-08:00

alot has happened in the past couple of weeks that i don't know exactly where to begin with this entry. bear with me if the sequence of events are not as organized as i had hoped.

1. My Life...
my life has been very crazy the past few weeks with change around every corner. one, i've always been open with my current academic situiation those of you who know me can atest to this but now this have taken a turn hopefully not for the worst. i had just found out the results of my effort to switch schools but lets just say that the result was not what i expected. i was wait-listed mainly because of the fact that im still currently attending school and the condition for my admission is a copy of my transcript to be evaluated to know if im at par with the level o excellence they are know for but unfrotunatly since they gave me my results a few days later than expected i can not give them what they require and i have no choice but to wait the school year out and apply again for the next term. i was completly disappointed. i was hoping to get out of my current rat hole that i didn't prepare myself for the outcome. though it is hard for me to accept i know that there must be a reason behind this. like what i always say "everything happens for a reason..." the Lord has something else planned for me that's why i got the results i got. i will not allow this to deter me from my goal of getting out but rather makes me want persue it more. i know that the road is gonna be long and hard but i know that i can make it through no matter what.

2. Love life...
my love life is still pretty much the same. like what i said before in another entry in this blog 've made peace with her and i can honestly say that i am happy for her and the way her life is going. someone asked me what was it that made me treat her the way i did. back then i wouldn't have given you an answer but now (with the help of my best friend) i know why i did what i did. it was simplely because she knew me. the real me. the part of me that very few people get to see. she got to see the real me that i freaked out and pushed her away. i know now that what i did was wrong and i know i can't take it back but i know that i can build a better future. she will always be the love of my life and that will never change.

to this person, you know who you are. if you happen to read this i just want you to know that i will always be thankful to the Lord for bringing you to my life and for teaching me that there is more to me than what i thought. you taught me to be true to myself and i will never forget it. i want you to always remember that im here for you no matter what. i love you and miss you. take care always and God bless!!!

2005-11-21T01:19:00.000-08:00

New Fears...

like the title says...this entry is about new fears.

you see i just made the choice of transferring to another school after seeing that my current course wasn't really for me. everything's set...i've submitted my application, i just have to submit one last requirement and then im set to take the entrance exam on the 4th of december but then it dawned on me.

what if this doesn't work out again?

what if i give in to fears once again?

did i make the right choice this time?

alot of questions popped into my head and made me feel uneasy that i wasn't able to get some sleep that night. i know that i shouldn't live in what if's and stuff like that but when it comes to my future and what im gonna do with my life i can't help but wonder. i can't help but question, i can't help but fear the unknown.

i dunno what to do...i feel so lost again.

Closure

2005-10-19T03:58:00.000-07:00

just recently i had the most intresting experience of my life and im so thankful that it happened. to be honest this happened a couple of weeks ago but the realization of it didn't sink in until today.

i've never had the oppertunity to feel the way im feeling and for once, in a very long time, im happy. im happy something that happened in my life and makes me see the world in a new light. coz for some time i've been feeling that when life throws you a curve ball and you miss it...you're gonna keep on missing it, but i was proven wrong. it is true that i still feel like im missing the balls but after what today it makes me feel that i can still make it.

the girl who occupied a great space of my heart has found her happiness at last and i couldn't be more happier for her. it is true that she didn't find it with me but nonetheless i know that she made the right choice. in my heart i know that this was meant to be and that this what our Superfriend wanted. im also very thankful for the fact that even after everything that happened between us, the joys,pains and so much more we kept our friendship alive and that is something i would cherish for all my life.

she saw something in me that i didn't want to see for myself...

she taught me just to be myself...

she made me want to change for the better...

i don't know what i would do if i haven't met and fell in love with this woman coz i know that life won't be the same without her in it.

we put the period in our past and now we are ready to start a new friendship.

thoughts of mine

2005-10-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

isn't it funny that whenever life gets hard we wish that we could just disappear or go to a place where no one could ever find us or get to leave for a foreign country were no one knows us and basically get a fresh start. in other words whenever life gats tough we wish we could get a fresh start; pretend that nothing happened and start off with a clean slate.

how we wish that life is that simple that whenever we find ourselves facing a problem or trial we could just press the rewind button and start over, but life isn't made up that way. we have to face our problems, we have to face our fears and no matter what we do we can't start off with a clean slate.

i actually find myself wishing that i could do all the things i had just mentioned. i wish i could off to a diffrent country and get a fresh start or even disapper for a couple of days to a place that no one could find me but the thing with that is im just running away from my problems. the fact of the matter is that i know what i have to do but then again i can't seem to do it.

im in that place that i was a few years ago...a place that i actually thought that i would never be back in again but apparently not. im being asked to grow-up more so than my peers and im feeling that it's happenning too fast that im beginning to feel lost. i don't know what to do and where to go. people expect so much from me that i have no room to make mistakes, or even second guess my choices and if i do im they make me feel that im a kid that doesn't know what im doing but what they fail to realize is that i am still just a kid. im still a teenager and that i don't always know what im doing, i can still make mistakes and second guess myself.

most of the people who know me would tell you that im like a "kuya" (that's why i got the nickname kuya pardz) or that im very responsible. they might say that im a "fashionista" or that im great dancer or that i give great advice but the thing is they just see the surface. that is just part of who i am but beneath that there's the insecurity, the fear and a whole lot of things that they don't see. i come off as someone whose sure of himself and confident but if they only knew that it was the complete opposite.

hay...

2005-09-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

hay...
this term is such a understatement for me and how i feel...
it can not fully express the feelings that are inside me...
there is so much going on in my life...
choices to make...
trials to face...
and somehow...
it takes alot out of me...
i used to be able to do this...
not sweating the small stuff...
but when you know...
that the future is affected...
by the choices you make right now...
you can't just sweat the small stuff...
so much is at stake...
and everything...
rests on me...
and my choices...
its a tough responsibility...
that i alone must carry...
no one can help me...
no one...

Touchy...touchy!!!

2005-09-06T02:26:00.000-07:00

"i read your blog..all i can say is "wow!" i never thought you could say somethin like that..you were expecting me to lie?!?!first of all..the reason i texted you was bec. i missed talkin to you coz apparently now your college and so far away.. i think thats pretty obvious..just becoz i dont text you that often anymore doesnt mean iv forgotten abwt you and when i text, it doesnt mean that im lookin for someone to rant out my problems to! besides, you of all people should know me better..i dont run to people if i hav a problem, i run to God for that..i ran to you coz i was wonderin how you were doin and if you were ayt..another thing is..i just mentioned to pao that kat told you bout lej and thats all..i didnt even know what hapened after that coz he didnt reply anymor..next thing, i wish you couldv told me..of all the people i believe in and trust most..how was i supposed to know?diba? if thats what you think about the times i text you nowadays, all i can say is, i thought you knew me better to think that..i guess i was wrong to think that then..if you felt like i was treatin you like crap tell me!!coz you have no idea what worse crap im goin through other than whats happenin to lej..you said yourself, you dont like it when people put on a mask to hide what their feeling..so why did you hide this from me?and you call me a bestfriend..i dont think i deserve that title from you if thats the way you think i act..thanks a lot pardz..thanks.. "

this was the message that was sent to me in reaction to the last entry i placed in this journal...

I sent a reply to this message and basically all i said was...

"If you think very little of me then what i wrote shouldn't bother you should it?...

...Look, i don't have to feel guilty or explain anything. What I wrote are my personal feelings and thoughts. So just deal with it...you don't like it don't read it. Simple as that!!!..."

Bakit ganun ang iba?

2005-08-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

bakit ganun ang iba?
they have the guts to treat you like crap tapos they're the one who treats you like nothing happened. the thruth is...i have this bestfriend who's in a crisis right now. this is really testing her own strength aas well as the strength of her "personal" relationships (if you get what i mean...) i had just found about the crisis through another friend and being the good guy that i am i kept my mouth shut. i was later surprised when this bestfriend of mine started texting me looking for some conversation being that she was stuck in a party and she didn't even know half the people there. so, we started talking and when i asked her how she was (and i was expecting her to lie by the way...) she said that everything's fine and that everything was ok. personally, i don't like it when people put on a mask to hide what they trully feel inside so naturally i told her that i know about her crisis and that a common friend of ours told me about it. she asked me why i didn't say it earlier to save her from being formal and pretending everythings ok. so ithought to myself that it was a good thing i told her and being that we are bestfriends i tried giving her advice and comforting her through it. all through out this conversation she was texting the boyfriend of the coomon friend who told me about the crisis. this common friend of ours then texted me and asked if we could talk. i called this friend up thinking that it was an emergency. which i found out to be false...you see the implication that this common friend of mine had was that i spreading gossip about the crisis. that i was telling my bestfriend all sorts of things which were not true. naturally i got frustrated. i felt betrayed. this came a person who told me that i knew her better than anyone...even her family and for to think and say to our friends this bullshit is really fucked up. this just proves to me that people...even the ones you think you know can still surprise you.

No special reason...

2005-08-16T03:17:00.000-07:00

Like what the title implies...there is no psecial reason for this entry. I just thought it would be nice to write something to allow me to vent out my feelings.

Date: August 16, 2005

Time: 6:25 p.m (this is based on the watch here at the internet place...)

Venue: Netopia Robinsons Place Manila

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"
By: Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outsideAnymore...

Here I am, once againI'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I dont know why but this has been my theme song for the past couple of weeks...

Love Song for no one...

2005-08-03T04:18:00.000-07:00

Bless The Broken Road
By: Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

....hhhhhmmmmm.....

2005-07-20T04:06:00.000-07:00

......hhhhhmmmmm.....to be honest I've got no clue what to write down here. It's been so long since I last wrote anything down here. Alot has happened for the past couple of weeks that I don't even know where to begin...my life is making no sense right now. I feel that I'm not where I'm supposed to be and that I'm not even enjoying what I'm doing. I'm still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that reason hasn't been shown to me just yet. I'm still trying to figure out the most important parts of my life and yet I have no one to talk to about this. I just feel like I'm trapped in a room with no lights and the candle I'm holding is slowly melting away and I can't find anyone to help me....sad but I know I've got to get through this even if I have to do it alone coz not even the fact that I have alot of friends doesn't console me anymore. I AM ALONE....

"Everything changes...yet TRUE FRIENDSHIP blooms as usual"

2005-06-10T04:46:00.000-07:00

"Everything changes...yet flowers bloom every spring as usual..."

I came across this while I was walking through the mall and couldn't help but enjoy the quote that I saw. Very ironic...yet true. Everything in this world changes yet still there are some that stay the same. I'm gonna be starting school next week and I couldn't help but feel very anxious to get this school year started. True that I am the only Bedan to take up Fine Arts and I'm pretty much all by myself there but that won't be the case for long. I consider myself a very friendly person and I know that I can make friends easily enough. I've been asked by my best friend if I would try to find a firend like him in college...frankly, I don't believe that you can find friends like the friends you had in high school. You can find people who offer you something diffrent than what you have been acustomed too. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends in high school and I wopuld do anything for them but I believe that most people who venture off into college find friends that are like the ones they met in high school and frankly what's the surprise in that. We go to college in oder to broaden our horizon and have a more open mind but if we countinue to surround ourselves with wat we're acustomed too then it was for nothing.

I love my friends more than words could ever express and I am very fortunate enough to have such a loving buch of people. I am happy to have found out that no matter what distance we may have between us or no matter how long we don't see each other when we do get a chance to see each other it seems like nothing every happened. It's as if we still we're connected and we grew all at the same time. These epople are some of the most loving, caring, mature, and friendly people I've met. TYhey can give so an entirely diffrent perspective when it comes to problems and you'll always know that their by your side no matter what. I'm so greatful for meeting and being part of their lives coz they are certainly part of mine. The memories that we've shared together are some of the most memorable and I will always cherish them for the rest of my life.

If you're wondering what all of this has got to do with the openning quote I gave...I believe that TRUE FRIENDSHIP are like flowers...they still bloom as usual. No matter what when you know that the friends you have are the BEST bunch of people you've ever met then it dosen't matter how much life changes or how much you yourself changes they'll always be with you every step of the way...

"Everything changes...yet TRUE FRIENDSHIP blooms as usual..."

peoples miss-conceptions...

2005-04-30T02:05:00.000-07:00

if you are wondering kung bakit ganyan ang spelling ng title ng entry na to...you will find out after reading this. due to some recent events in my life i've been made to realize that people, (some of wnich i've know all my life...) have a diffrent perseption of me even after getting to know me. i found out that a good friend of mine was actually jealous of me simply because i was texting his girlfriend who by the way is also a very good friend of mine. they went into this fight that lead to him saying that we were having a naffair which was completly false and him ending up saying things to personal to even write in this entry. upon hearing this i called my best friend and asked her if her boyfriend felt the same way, she made my day by saying that he didn't. i found solace in the fact that not evryone on the planet felt the way my other firend did. we put the phone down and i continued with my day as usual but then my best friend texted me and said that she and her boyfriend had a fight and not to my surprise it was about moi!!! wow...just when i thought that the world made sense it throws me a curve ball like this. i asked her to tell me the whole story and what were exactly said (something that i regret doing now...) she told me that her boyfriend didn't get jealous with "Gay " guys. i was shocked and speechless...i couldn't even listen to my best friend anymore. and to think this guy was someone that i knew for a year. i had no idea that this guy...a guy which such in-depth thinking could have such a shallow perception of me. it just goes to show that people can surprise you without you knowing it. i honestly don't know why he had that idea when my best friend told him time and again that im not gay... i must admit that some of my actions are some what feminine in nature but i know myself well enough to say that im not gay. i feel like im back in grade school and everyone is too busy noticing waht other people do that fail to grasp their own shit!! its so immature!!

thank you

2005-04-02T02:06:00.000-08:00

its been so long since i last wrote anything in this blog so its a great joy for me to be able to write something right now. as the title states this entry is just my way of saying thank you to all those people who have made such a big impact on my life and i hope vice versa. i came in batch 2005 expecting the worst but boy was i wrong. the Lord blessed me so much. He gave me the BEST barkada that a person can ask for. He blessed me with the Best Friends i ever had. He blessed me more than i asked and i don't know how to repay Him for evrything he's done for me. I just want to say thank you...
to my Barkada...the Best group of people that i've known i'm so gonna miss you guys more than you'll ever know. stopping one year of school was the best thing that ever happened to me coz if that didn't happen then i wouldn't have met you guys. I wouldn't have been able to help you the way i did and you wouldn't have made me to the person i am. i owe so much to you guys and now that we start another chapter of our lives i know tyhat we'll always still be ther for each other no matter what. i know that we'll be still friends no matter what happens in each others lives. like what mark said we'll meet new people in college but we'll always have a special place in our hearts for each other. i have so much more to say but i thingk one song says it all...

"Thankful"
Sung By Kelly Clarkson
Lyrics By Harvey Mason, Jr./Damon Thomas/Kenneth Edmonds/Kelly Clarkson

You know my soul
You know everything about me there's to know
You know my heart
How to make me stop and how to make me go
You should know
I love ev'rything about you
Don't you know?

That I'm thankful for the blessings
And the lessons that I've learned with you by my side
That I'm thankful (so thankful)
For the love that you
Keep bringin' in my life
In my life
Thankful, so thankful

You know my thoughts
Before I open up my mouth and try to speak
You know my dreams
Must be listenin' when I'm talkin' in my sleep
I hope you know
I love having you around me
Don't you know, yeah
That I'm thankful (oh) for the blessings (oh)
And the lessons that I've learned with you by my side
That I'm thankful (so thankful)
For the love that you
In my life(Keep bringin' in my life)
In my life
Don't you know that I'm thankful (for the moments)
When I'm down (Oh yeah)
You know just how to make me smile (oh yeah)(Make me smile)
Thankful (so thankful) for all the joy you bring into my life
Oh, bringin' in my life(In my life)

For the lessons that I've learned
For the trouble I've known
For the heartache and pain
Thrown in my way
When I didn't think I could go on
But you made me feel strong
With you I am never alone(Thankful, so thankful)

So I'm thankful (oh) for the blessings (yeah)
And the lessons that I've learned with you by my side
That I'm thankful (so thankful)
For the love that you
Keep bringin' in my life
In my life
Thankful (thankful) for the moments (so thankful) when I'm down you know just how to make me (oh yeah) smile (oh yeah)
Thankful (thankful) for all the joy you bring into my lifeIn my life
Thankful Thankful Thankful
So thankful So thankful So thankful So thankful
Thankful Thankful
Thankful

so for now...good journey & until we meet again. I LOVE YOU!!!

everything changes...

2005-03-10T18:38:00.000-08:00

evrything changes and nothing turns out like you planned. i for one never expected evrything to happen so fast but they do. the Lord trully works in mysterious way and He worked for the betterment of me and the people around me. just recently i was made to realize the value of the people around me. my eyes were opened to the reality that i've touched so many live in a short amoun of time. not tot blow my own horn but i trully didn't see how many lives i touched until now. i've been so blessed and no words can express how thankful i am to these people. i don't know to repay the trust that they've given me and i will trully cherish it for the rest of my life. they say that TRUE friends are one in a million and im very PROUD to say that I HAVE ALOT OF THEM.
so to these TRUE FRIENDS OF MINE, i THANK YOU for everything. YOU'VE really made an impact upon my life and how i live it and i hope that i too made an impact on yours. this is not the end but merely the beginning, we've taken the first step and as we continue to walk on this road of life i know that WE WILL BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT. we started this friendship by chance but I ASSURE YOU THAT WE WILL END IT WITH EACH OF US SAYING, "I LOVE YOU!!"

The story continues...

2005-03-06T00:46:00.000-08:00

like what the title says the story continues. life, like most other things go own and as much as we try to avoid life's curve balls we end up missing a few but getting hit alot. that's how life is...it's an endless cycle of learning lessons thru experience. i must say i am in that process of learning one of life's simple lessons and let me just say that it is a complete hell hole. if you remember one of my posts on this site was entitled "this is an explination" which by the way is nothing like a explination...it's more of just me telling a story. anyway, back to what i was saying life indeed hits you hard when you don't get the lesson right away like what i am experiencing life is teaching me that ther are wolves in sheeps clothing.
i fell in love with a girl who i thought was one thing but completly turned out to be another. i fell for the wrong type of person...she was a player, lair, manipulator and a bitch. she completly manipulated me all the time that we were together and frankly im sick of it. at first i never really noticed or maybe i didnt wat to believe it but now i see things all to clearly. my friends have been telling me to forget about her and just go on with my life. i don't deserve what im getting out of our relationship. i allowed myself to be manipulated to do everything she wanted, to treat her like a princess, to be someone im clearly not. when you're in love people do crazy things, i do believe in that saying. i was in love i was doing things i wouldn't normally do. i wasn't myself. i was so stupid to even fall for her when people said i shouldn't.
a friend of mine wrote about how love is connected to bus rides and now its connections to bunjee jumping, money and a bucket of water. i know it sounds wack and you might be wondering what's the connection but i assure you that my friend makes a very excellent point when he wrote it. if you want to know what im talking about just log on to kaloy.blogspot.com and you're gonna find out why.
for now that's it...catch ya on da flipside!!!

Are you resisting it? For me,what does this mean...

2005-02-28T04:12:00.000-08:00

ResistanceIt is time to look at the ways in which you are resisting the love that you deserve. Resistance is the act of working against our conscious intentions, of blocking our own path. Does this sound strange or puzzling? Look carefully at what has been happening in your love life and ask yourself whether or not it could be true. Do you talk about how much you want to meet someone and then stay at home and do nothing? Do you tell yourself and others that you are too busy or too independent for romance? Do you keep starting relationships and then get let down? Or do you feel that you know exactly who the perfect partner is but for some reason theyre unavailable? What you need to realize is that you avoid relationships, give up too easily or choose unsuitable people as a way of resisting.If you have been longing for love then you may feel hurt or angry at the idea that a part of you is resisting it. But this is what is happening, and it is only when you accept this part of yourself that you will be able to find lasting love. Embracing your resistance puts the power back in your hands. If its something that youre doing, then the good news is that its something you have the power to change. We only resist for good reason. The part of you which is resisting love is afraid. You may think that you are afraid of being alone and never finding love but the possibility of finding someone who loves and values you is what is really frightening. Letting another human come close enough to find out who you truly are can be very scary. You may be afraid that they can never love the real you, that they will abandon you once they see beneath your outer shell. Or you may be afraid that they will overwhelm, smother or control you. Perhaps you fear re-creating the pain of previous relationship. The truth is that we find closeness as adults it stirs up the often forgotten pains of closeness which we experienced as children. We resist romantic love so as to avoid feeling our childhood pain, but then we lose out all over again. You need to let the pain emerge and free yourself to be loved. You can deal with your childhood feelings by recognizing that these are the basis of your resistance and need to be addressed. Now is time to look inside yourself, find your deepest fears and bring them out. Try going to therapy, try talking to someone about them or write a letter to yourself.Know that as you face your resistance it will dissolve and leave you free to find the love you deserve. You are brave enough.

this was posted on my bulletin board sa friendster ko. for me, hindi ako na gulat sa nakasulat...gets?! frankly, i've got no freakn' idea what this means...the only person who can answer my question doesn't even want to talk to me sensibly and that just frustrates me evn more. i don't know what she wants from me and frankly im not dying to find out.

bakit ganun?

2005-02-27T03:29:00.000-08:00

bakit ganun? kahit gaano mo pilitin kalimutan ang isang tao, kahit gaano mo pilitin lumayo, kahit gaano mo pilit magsimula ulit ng bago hindi mo magawa. lagi kayong pinagsasama ng tadhana sa bawat pagkakataon. kahit sobrang masakit na sa iyo nandun siya lagi. siya nag nagsisilbing paalala sa lahat ng bagay na hindi mo na gawa. siya ang paalala sa lahat ng pagkukulang mo sa sarili at sa kapwa mo. tuwing nakikita ko siay parang wala akong problema...plastikan kami ever ngunit sa kalooban ko hindi ko maiwasang masaktan at maiyak na lamang. pinipilit ko siyang alisin sa buhay ko ngunit hindi ko magawa. sa palagay ko kailangan ko muling harapin ang kinatatakot ko upang tunay talagang makakalas sa kanya. wala na sigurong iba pang paraan...

So true...

2005-02-27T03:21:00.000-08:00

I was actually reading my friends blog and I couldn't help but applaud him at the fact that he writes so well. He seems to know how I feel and writes it down in his own blog, I suggest you check it out. www.kaloy.blogspot.com

something i want to share...

2005-02-21T03:42:00.000-08:00

a quote... written by my heart... for everyone's heart...
"sometimes it's just so hard to fall because you'll never gonna get any warning that might just prevent you from tripping and getting scarred... but the worst part about it is you getting up on your feet again, learning from it, and preparing for the next time you might just fall..." - kaloy

it is the worst part, especially when you almost gave your heart out to a person that didn't even knew you loved... and then you just ended up knowing that that person loves someone else... it is very crushing and tough to get up on both feet again because you became fragile and vulnerable from the heartache... and you wouldn't be able to escape the sadness too... you are bound to absorb everything that happened... you'll never gonna know when would an another person touch your heart and take it away again... all you can really do is to get over...

it's just like tripping on a stone and having your knee bleed... you cure it to stop the bleeding and to close the wound... and you wouldn't be able to know when you will be tripping again; instead you would just prepare yourself for the next time you fall...

we're all destined to fall for someone... and we're all destined to be hurt for falling too... but we shouldn't be afraid of falling; in fact, we should take advantage of all the chances we can get in our lives... so, we just have to patch up our knees to make it look nice, buy some more medication (in case of an another accident), and look at all the stones we pass by...

you'll never know when will forever come, because, according to the "expectations theory", all the best things in life happen and come when you least expect it... so don't miss any stone, because you might have just missed a diamond...

a little something written by a very good friend of mine which i want to share with you.

thankx KaLoY!!! You're da BEST!!!

this is an explination

2005-02-21T02:52:00.000-08:00

like the title says this is an explination to why i've been acting the way i have, but so that anyone who reads this might understand i'll start from the beginning. i, like so many other fools out there in the world, fell in love with someone. we met during our junior year in high school and we just clicked. we started hanging-out and had some laughs but i made the grave mistake of trusting her long before i've gotten to know her. you see she has this habit of just saying things to other people that were never really meant to be known to them in other words she some sort of chu-chu. so i told her a secret that a good friend of mine trusted me with thinking that it would be kept confidential but i later found out that na ginamit nya tong pang-asar sa taong ito. natural alam nung friend kong yun na sinabi ko sa kanya yung secret coz im the only one who knew about it. to make a long story short my friend ended up not trusting me again and she got to see another side of me that most people don't get to see. im nice guy but if pushed to the limit i can be very dangerous. believe me hindi to stir...anyway, i eventually forgave the girl for what she did but i never really trusted her the sme way again. we still hanged-out and we were good friends but i made the mistake of falling for her before the year ended. if you're asking kung bakit...believe me i don't even know. maybe because she made me believe that i was something more. that i could be something more than what i already was. she made me feel that i was special. i spent most of time just loving her from a distance wishing she knew what i really felt. like what they always say "be careful of what you wish for...coz it may just come true." she did find out what i've been keeping to myself...i told her but what i didn't expect was the series of events that came right after. she told me she liked somebody else and even though she wouldn't admit it she wished that he liked her too. masakit isipin minahal ko siya ng katagal-tagal tapos wala lang. i tired talking to her about what i told her...about how i felt but she wouldn't answer my question or she would just avoid it. the thing that hurts me the most about this is not the fact that she likes another guy but the fact that we ahve to paly these games that just seem to go on forever. she's the type of girl that you "have" to figure out what she's "trying" to tell you and sometimes it's hard to figure her out. she'll be one thing on one day and the complete opposite the next. somebody once asked me "ano ba ang gusto mong mangyari sa inyong dalawa?" i wasn't able to answer kaagad coz i never really thought about it. when i did think about it i couldn't help but wonder and daydream pano kaya kung kami? but my heart says otherwise. bakit ko pa pagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa isang tao na hindi naman ako mahal. nowadays, whenever i see her i couldn't help but be indiffrent towards her. masama man sabihin but being around her just hurts me...i try to be strong. i try to put on a happy face but its just hard whenever she's around. so rather than spend the remaining days that i have in school being sad miserable and lonely i descided to just let her go. to just forget about her and never see her again though it is easier said than done i would rather just leave her be and let her live her life without me in the picture. i know this might sound trivial to whoever might read this but believe me when i say that it isn't to me. lahat naman tayo may kanya-kanyang problema...sa iba mukhang mababaw but for that person mabigat na yun. for now that's it...we'll see how this turns out very soon...

youand had a few l

something i made...

2005-02-20T04:33:00.000-08:00

this was something i tired to do coz i've got nothing else to do with my time. i was bored and didn't know what to do. i actually spent the day doing nothing and spent most of my time thinking, feeling sorry for myself and just wanting to crwal under a rock and die. this world can trully be a dark and ungreatful place which makes you wonder why we live in it in the first place...sure that the Lord has some plan for us but what if you can't see it? what if you just see nothing? nothing but darkness...who knows right.